, , ,

I’ve spent 90% of my life – not my adult life, my WHOLE life – hating myself. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed of being anyone, but me.

I wake up in the morning, every day, and I bully myself about what a giant piece of disgusting, loser I am.

Every. Single. Damn. Day. It’s become so normal to me that most days, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It’s exhausting. I start every day with a battle…against myself.

But after having the best day of my life yesterday, I woke up for the first time in a long time, not having to remind myself to be nice to me, feeling special, content and almost a little bit normal, so I decided to share my thoughts…

There are so many days we feel frustration, wishing our lives were different…if I only I had more money, if I only hadn’t turned down that job, if I only was thinner, if I only didn’t make that dumb joke, if I only wasn’t nervous, if I only paid more attention, if only I was a better person…but taking a step back and looking at the grand picture instead of inspecting all the individual pieces, we find that we have been so incredibly lucky and blessed in our lives.

In the last 3 years, my husband and I found each other in our greatest time of need, moved to San Diego, married, nurtured our family, and are now blessed to be expecting our first child together. Looking at these milestones makes all the negativity surrounding the move, my step-daughter’s mother, the stagnation in my career, the frustration in my husband’s career, and all the missed opportunities and heartbreaking rejections seem smaller and insignificant.

While I may not have been blessed to have encountered many organizations or people that respect the life of a military spouse or my professional accomplishments, I’ve been exposed to those that are not intimidated by my value and take my military dependant status as an asset, rather than a liability, and I have been given friends that help me stand tall when I can’t do it on my own, redefining me.

Even though my career goals are still far out of reach, and I still wake up every day bullying myself about something I didn’t do perfectly, I can’t imagine where I would be emotionally, where my husband would be emotionally, had we not been sent to this beautiful new place.

We are blessed to have this life, everyday we are blessed in ways we don’t understand, and we have a choice to accept these blessings with happiness or reject them with shoulda-coulda-wouldas, sadness and anger. In the modified words of Michael J. Fox, acceptance over expectations.

That said, I promise not to go all preach-y on everyone on a regular basis, so don’t unfriend me, and instead, follow my newly pressed blog!